In a previous blog (“suck it up”) I spoke about issues that men face in regards to communication. In this segment I will focus more generally as all humans can benefit from improving their communication skills. We know that “communication is key”, but we also know that it can be something that is difficult to keep working on. Here are five things to remember to keep you going.

1. Communication is difficult for everyone

Communication can be a tough skill to become proficient in and maintain. As a therapist I can tell you the work in understanding how to effectively communicate is a constant practice. One of the difficulties of communication is understanding what is happening internally for you and being able to then translate that to the person you are speaking with in a way that will be understood by them, at a time when they are ready, willing and able to hear from you. So yeah… there are a number of factors that could go wrong when you are trying to communicate effectively. However, do not feel that it is hopeless, many of those contributing factors cannot be controlled (ie. like making the other person be ready to listen). All you can control is yourself.

My top tip is that communication also has to be authentic and to speak for , not from a part of you (a concept that comes from a therapeutic framework called Internal Family Systems). For example, if you are speaking from your anger you might yell or say thing you would not normally say. If you speak for your anger, you communicate that there is a part of you that is angry and explain why, in a way that can be heard by the other person, which is possible to do while remaining calm. Again, there are unavoidable times when the other person cannot hear what you are saying in that moment. In these instances it is ok to “hit the pause button” on the conversation and find another time to speak. It does not mean the conversation is over, but you are waiting until there can be a better chance for resolution or understanding.

2. Its a skill you keep on working on

Communication is a skill that we develop over time through practice. Many of us were taught some form of language, but how we communicate what we are feeling is not always taught. Our patterns of communication are often formed through a combination of interaction and observation. You may have started to view how adults who raised you were communicating with one another even before you could speak (a process we call modeled behavior). Even if you have learned “unhealthy” communicating patterns from a young age you can develop new skills as an adult. This “skill development” is a life long journey (I know it sounds daunting), but when you break it down to “one day at a time” it is not so big. Just try to build on what you did yesterday and I promise those days will add up. Wondering where to start? Listen up,,,

3. Effective communicators listen.

Communication is a two way street. It becomes a one way when one of the people is not listening. Being able to hear what the other person is saying with clarity is a skill that can take some time. When you are upset you may stop listening to what the person is saying. Even if you are “in the right” it is still important to be able to hear the other person out because it can easily shift from being “in the right” to “being righteous”. Not listening, leads to a break down of understanding, which interferes with the opportunity for a conversation or argument to be resolved.

Another way to “listen” is to start to look inwards. You might be saying, “how do I do that?”. Ever feel a sudden rush of emotion in the middle of conversation? Something was said and you immediately feel mad, frustrated, stressed, sad, etc. Well, “it” (your emotion) is there to tell you something. The more you can turn towards it and listen to “why” you are feeling a particular way, the more effective you can become at communicating with someone. Once you figure out the ‘why” refer back to my top tip in reminder #1 on speaking “for” not “from”.

4. Its not going to be perfect

Communication is a skill that you work on to develop over time. It is not a one time achievement. You may think that going into a conversation you need to “get it right” to reach a resolution. However, I would propose the intended purpose of communication is to achieve understanding. We may not always have to agree, nor do we have to achieve a result in that moment, but understanding one another’s feelings on an important matter can help you to work towards resolving even the most difficult of topics. So, I would advise that you stop trying to strive for a result and strive for working together.

5. Communicate with purpose

Communicating is a way to work together. Sometimes communication within a relationship can feel like a competition. Often the unintended result is that no one wins. Being able to express what you are feeling and listening to how the other person is feeling helps to come together to find a common goal. Imagine that you both are holding something important together, your relationship. If you take your hand off to point a finger at the other person the relationship can start to rock or become unstable.

This happens in even the most communicative of relationships due to the fact that we as humans who by nature tend to deal with feeling angry, frustrated, upset, embarrassed, hurt, etc. However, the more that you check in with how you are feeling, speak for those feelings, and listen to how your partner is feeling the better. The hope is that we communicate “early and often” in order to reduce the risk of challenges later, but life does not always allow for this. So, communicate when you can with the purpose of working as a team.

How communication benefits your relationship

“Team work makes the dream work”. Any relationship with a solid foundation in communication has an increased ability to get through difficult times and find new ways of working together. This in turn can deepen the connection you already have. Remember, deeper connections in life leads to greater life satisfaction, which can lead you to feeling more calm and at peace in your daily life. Therapy is one way to work on understanding yourself in order to increase your ability to communicate more effectively with those around you, deepening you connections in life.

5 Reminders to Improve Communication

“Suck it up!”