I am starting a new intermittent segment within this blog about communication. I was inspired to write about this topic after recently conducting research… Actually, I will be honest with you and say I googled it. Specifically I googled, “how to improve communication as a man”. Why google such a specific topic? As someone who identifies as a man and works as a therapist I wondered about how men, when asked by their partner to improve their communication skills, may start to think about making this change. What I found was that a lot of the content on the first couple of pages focused on speaking to the partners of men on how to better communicate with men, not on ways for men to improve their communication.

For many of the people I work with, going to therapy is not the first thing on their mind when they are asked to make a change. Nor do I expect the service I provide to be the first thing that comes to mind. However, for many of the men I work with they may or may not have people in their life with whom they can talk to about important or difficult things. For many men the concept of talking about their emotions and potentially feeling vulnerable is not an appealing one. I get it, as humans we do not like to sit with things that are painful. However, being able to acknowledge and process something allows us to find relief, but men have a conundrum. Men are often overtly or subtlety told they should not talk emotions in the first place. Here are just a few of the things men will often hear.

“Be rational”

For many men that was the way they were raised. They were encouraged to value putting emotions aside in order to be rational, which allows them “find the best outcome”. This makes sense when you are making a decision at work, but how about in a relationship? If you are encouraged to put aside your emotions most of your life, how are you expected to know how to process emotions within a relationship? Without practicing this, you may find it difficult to “find the best outcome”.

“Suck it up”

Talking about how you feel can lead to vulnerability. Vulnerability in large part is seen as weakness. Being perceived as “weak” is not tolerated in our society. You may have been told some form of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” analogy reinforcing a belief that no one will help you. Within a relationship I would question this narrative because what is a partner if not a support when you may feel vulnerable? However, as a man you may have been told you are alone and therefore you need to be tough, a “Man’s Man”.

“Be A Man"

If you are a cisgendered man who was raised in America, communication may not have always high up on the things that are encouraged within your family, friends, or society in general. A lot of times you may gotten the message that in order to be a man you need to aggressive, dominant, alpha, etc, to hold worth. In no way would I ever encourage you not be your confident self. However, there is a distinction between being confident and aggressive.

You may have seen examples of a men in your life who are the “strong silent type”. When it comes to relationships they may always be “in control”, which can be another way of saying “without emotion”. When they have an issue within a relationship they will just “deal with it” and “not talk to anyone about emotions”. It may help to avoid or push away emotions, but it does not move the relationship forward. Being able to communicate will allow you to work together towards a collective goal or resolution of an issue. Not communicating will often hinder your ability to resolve issues and repeatedly highlight areas of the relationship that are effected by a lack of communication. If this pattern of not resolving issues continues it can often lead to frustration and eventually anger, which is the one emotion that can cut right through a wall of silence.

Anger gets a bad rep

I will first make the distinction between intent and impact with anger. Anger’s impact can sometimes lead to a variety of results that can range from negative to horrible. This is often because anger can get to the point of taking you over. For example, yelling at someone may make you feel like you are in control of the conversation (dominating the conversation), but you may end up saying things that you normally would not want to say (which can be a sign that in that moment you are not in control of yourself). This inevitably leads to communication breakdowns, hurt, and mistrust.

So how can we start to use anger to our advantage?

For a moment imagine your anger as a person who is always watching out for you in order to make sure you are well protected. If there is something that is wrong it will come up to say, “this is not ok”. It has the great ability to see what may not be in the forefront for you in that moment. Have you ever been mad and did not know why? If you can start to get curious about what is making you mad, you can work on resolving the issue.

What often can be a barrier to using anger to your advantage is not understanding the emotion behind it. When we talk about what is really bothering us we tend to feel better or at least have a path to work on it. If you, like many men, were taught to avoid emotions this can effect your ability to effectively communicate, which in turn can affect the relationship. As a result, arguments can last longer or they can feel like they do not have resolution. You may start to avoid any confrontation within the relationship. Over time a lack of communication can erode the foundation of a relationship.

However, being able to be aware of what is happening for you and communicating effectively will help strengthen your relationship. If you can use anger as an alert system to something deeper you can get to it sooner. For example, if your spouse says something that hurts and you get angry, you can talk about it. Talking directly with the person you are upset with is often the best way to be able to resolve an issue. In a relationship the hope is that your spouse or partner is willing to hear from you about what is bothering you. It may sound like, “Hey, yesterday when you said ___ a part of me got really mad. I was mad because ___.” You will find your own words on how to phrase it, but what is important is that you speak for, not from, your anger.

In this intermittent series on communication I will try to focus on various ways in which you can continue to focus on improving communication. Some of these tips will be more gender neutral because the reality is that communication is key for everyone. Deepening communication leads to a deeper connection, which leads to more satisfaction in our relationships and in life.

“Suck it up!”

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